I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
