I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
