Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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