Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
