She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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