Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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