I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
