By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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