I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
