I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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