Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
