"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
