Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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