the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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