just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
