It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
