my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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