Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
