just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
