so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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