I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
