My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
