I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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