so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
