I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
