the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
