There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
