do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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