Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
