I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
