Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize