We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
