I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
