Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
