he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
