Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
