guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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