Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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