He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
