so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
