I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
