I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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