After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
