How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Still dying that you shit outside
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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