So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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