guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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