I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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