you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
