How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
