quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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