I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
