Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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