Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
