just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize