How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
