The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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