The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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