remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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