I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
