So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
