Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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