i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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