A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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