How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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