I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just high enough for therapy.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
