new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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