What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Barsexuality is the new black.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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