I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
