A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
