we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
